Greetings and Salutations

Hey there,

My name is Sparky and this is my online cry for help.

I've always been the weird one, the quiet one with strange ways and means but I've never minded too much. Sure, it's hard some times but what can you do? Well, in my case I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to do something about it.

In many ways I feel like a dick for wanting to complain about how depressed I feel. Like it seems like I'm not appreciative of my family, friends and of all the good things I have in my life. Like I'm trying to make my problems bigger than everyone else's. Like I want to be sad.

But I don't want to be sad, and I don't want anyone to feel like I don't give a shit anymore. All my life I've felt alienated and alone with the viewpoint that I'm watching my life through someone else's eyes. I see that I'm not making the relationships that I should be, I see that I hold myself in both an extremely low and ridiculously high regard, that I'm obsessed with repetitive thoughts and actions and that I regularly don't show emotions.

The worst part about this is that I'M SO DAMN GOOD AT HIDING IT! I CANNOT just 'ask' for help! I fake emotions like a real life Dexter but lately cracks have been showing and I'm afraid that people have seen me for what I really am - a hollow shell - and though I want them to leave me alone.. I really just want to be liked and I truly fear rejection.

If that's the case.. then why do I keep acting like I don't give a shit about anyone else? Lately I was in a disgustingly hostile workplace with a bullying manager who treated me like dirt when I just wanted to keep my head down and do my work. He said I was a liar, and sneaky and full of shit.
I do lie on a regular basis. Most commonly to the question 'How are you doing?' or 'Are you okay?'
This guy was a real dodgy one - he didn't care for any of our customers, he would constantly mock them and make fun of their income, looks, alleged drug habits/prostitution and how they're all liars. Everyone is a liar, except him.

Apparently. It doesn't matter. In his eyes, I'm the problem. Thanks to those beady viewpoints, the other management, co workers and owners see me as the problem. And as much as I want to defend myself, I feel that maybe I am the problem, even when I'm trying not to be. Will my life always be like this?

Hanging around belittling jerks that make me want to stab them in a dark alley? Pretending to care what people around me are talking about? Making it look like I'm so well adjusted that I could pursue an acting career? Coming home exhausted from any slight social outing? Wanting to stay at home where it's safe? Being afraid of people both understanding and misunderstanding me?

I can't do it any more. What if I have a child and they turn out like me? It's no way to live. So, with things worse than usual, I reached out to a online chat with a depression services group. They didn't really offer too much personalised information - mostly just text book stuff but it was still helpful to know that someone was listening. They recommended that I seek doctorey help.

The thought is daunting. I rarely let people in my shields, how can I let a complete stranger in yet alone pour out all my dark secrets to them? It just feels like giving them all the power, and leaving me weaker for it. Still, I want to be like everyone else. I don't want to have to water down my true personality because it might make people want to reject me. I need to be myself and stop hiding behind walls.

I am going to the quacks about the cracks.