My so called assessment

It has taken me a week to stop being so mad about this, that I'm still mad about it but can functionally type it out.

Last year, my state announced bulk billing for ADHD in an attempt to make the diagnosis process more accessible for folks like me who don't have thousands of dollars to fork out repeatedly. That some GPs can now do assessments. 

I was so excited that I researched who near me could do it and when. I dove into the information on their website. It wasn't very comprehensive but it said there's appointments with this doctor in 3 months. You'll be sent an ADHD screener to complete beforehand. You don't need a referral. Here's the fees. Cool beans. I book. 

I don't receive the screener. Figure it is due to Christmas so I leave it until about two weeks prior to appointment and the receptionist I speak to says "oh we don't do that anymore. Just bring any supporting documents. No, you don't need to do anything else."

Okay.  So far so good. 

Week of the appointment, stress crashes over me. I realise I hadn't done the new patient form and hurriedly complete it. I tear the house apart looking for the folder I had so meticulously compiled with proof and things. I don't find it. I am last minute going through my primary and secondary school documents to make a makeshift folio.

If you're curious, all of my reports are very similar. "Lucky is a pleasure to have in class." "Lucky is very quiet and reserved." Lucky has achieved outstanding results in English but could use more care in maths" "Lucky is trying hard in maths and I don't believe it is a competency deficit" "Lucky works better when something piques her interest"

Car is out of order so I have to rideshare it. Taxis are too expensive. Public transport can get me there but an hour after my appointment is set. I don't want to ask for a lift. I'm annoyed at my partner because I'd asked to borrow the car today to alleviate some of my stress but it wasn't feasible with his work. Rideshare is not what I wanted to do. It's more money than I wanted to spend but this is too important to be late for. I can't be late. 

So I'm there an hour early. I have my notebook, my puzzle book, a novel and my music. Can't focus on anything. Didn't get breakfast due to child drop off issues and waiting period for my other tablets.  I check in at front counter, I'm told everything is fine, no other paperwork needed. I wait. 

I'm called. Doc seems nice enough.  Asks what summoned me to this realm and I explain my life troubles and that I wanted an ADHD assessment to help with that. He nods and goes through various questions and check lists. Seems focused on my diet, sleep and if I have thoughts of self destruction. No. No I do not. Most questions I answer either allude to or reference my suspicion that I have.... well you can guess.  I also mention the documents I have lugged around in my adventuring backpack specifically to help with assessment. I mention this a few times, he smiles at me vaguely but never asks to see them. 

After some time, he tries to educate me on why we need sleep. Sleep is good for the body and helps us focus. If we don't sleep, it affects our focus. Try to get more sleep, okay? 

YES. I WOULD LIKE MORE SLEEP,  THANK YOU. PLEASE ARRANGE FOR MY BRAIN TO ALLOW THIS FUNCTION.  

Then... he suggests I get a big, nice, helpful day planner to help with my focusing. He eagerly shows me his desk calendar. Maybe I could use my phone to set reminders? I stare at him for a moment. I explain that I have a desk planner. I have a pocket size planner. I have other diaries for specific things like travel, fitness and my child's stuff. All are crammed with frantic writing and insane levels of detail. I explain that I do use phone reminders, despite my aversion to alarms. I explain that I also use my computer alarms constantly and I STILL miss breaks, am late for meetings and forget important tasks. 

He looks at me and says "Hey.......maybe you should consider getting assessed for ADHD?"

HMM.

Maybe? 

MAYBE?! 

GEE DO YOU REALLY THINK SO MISTER???? THANK YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH. I'LL DEFINITELY TAKE THAT ON BOARD!

So. By now, my fists are clenched, my eye is twitching and my leg has stopped bouncing. I am making direct eye contact. After a few breathing exercises I slowly ask him if this was not the ADHD assessment that I was under the impression that I had booked? 

He is surprised and said that he wasn't given any information on this and assumed that I just wanted a general mental health check up and somehow missed all the times I mentioned ADHD and wanting a diagnosis and here's all the documentation that I brought to this appointment for the ADHD assessment.  He says there's no referral and that he's sorry for any confusion. 

The receptionist is nice but also says oh yeah there's no referral here so you won't get any medicare rebate. By this time I'm pretty upset and I genuinely can't recall if I had a referral. They helpfully call around my other doctors to see if I had one but no dice. She tells me if I want the rebate then I'll have to go find a doctor to write a referral today. I point out that we're in a doctor's surgery. She goes, oh yeah! And books me an appointment. 

Later when I'm paying the charges, she explains that the doctor I saw DOES do ADHD assessments... just.... not at this surgery. I asked why it let me book it online at this one place for the assessment specific appointment... she didn't have an answer and suggested next time I call to book. 

Okay, fair. I will point out that the downside of my brain is that it will remind me that there was a thing I had to do in daylight hours but now it's nearly midnight so I can't call and I don't trust myself to remember or do it. So I booked online. I read the info, I followed the prompts. Clearly with the change in pre-screen documentation/referral paperwork... I'm going to assume that maybe they had to make some changes and just... didn't let me know? Or when I called to follow up... they just... didn't say anything? Let me think all was fine? 

The other thing to point out is that the second you call these doctors, their IVR/recording says "DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN BOOK ONLINE?! IT'S EASIER AND BETTER THAN BEING ON HOLD, FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG, AND TO PROVE IT, HERE'S SOME TERRIBLE HOLD MUSIC INTERLACED WITH VAGUELY MEDICAL ADVERTISING!"

So I'm just... standing there trying not to cry.  

This was booked.. months ago. I thought I did everything right. I had a day off work booked. I prepared as best I could. I spent more money than I needed to have done. The receptionist was very lovely and kind and offered to book an assessment with the offending doctor at their other location, which by the way, is probably another half an hour away at LEAST (so about an hour from my house) or to book with their other psych type person. Then she rattled off the pricing and it's just.... no. 

No. I can't trust this place to pay that much money and potentially get nothing. I can't trust this place to handle a booking.  I can't handle this disappointment. 

And what sucks is... I talked myself out of screenshotting everything about this appointment. Trying to control myself and now that's bitten me in the butt. 

So yes. That's my grievance for the month. Back to square one I guess. Thanks for nothing. 

Consult

 So I made an appointment and I went. The receptionist was lovely even though I was a tiny bit late. Which, honestly wasn't my fault.  Two cab drivers cancelled on me after leaving me waiting. It's a 5-10 min drive, and I booked them more than half an hour beforehand. Reluctantly I called an Uber, and they show up fast but drive slow. He makes small talk, which starts off nice enough but then turns into a brag about weather toughness. He realised where he was taking me when we got there and kindly wished me well. 

The reception had a dog. I assumed it was a "take your pet to work day", an emergency or a really relaxed place to work. Belatedly, I realised it was likely a therapy dog when after I said it was cute and she practically ran it around the desk offering me pats. Yes, dogs are fine, I just don't like touching them but I can't decline because now there are puppy eyes. Darn. 

Once inside the actual meeting room I'm surprised when there's actually a chaise to lie down on. I use it, but I sit. Only sit. Otherwise self concious or fall asleep. So I sit, stare at her and squeeze my stress ball. I took my collection of proofs and documents... not that they're organised into anything useful but they're there.  I had hoped to use them so I wouldn't forget anything but the lady I saw was kind and had open enough conversations that I filled the void easily enough. 

She agreed that there was enough markers to indicate the likelihood that I was ADHD or Autism positive and recommended filling in some forms, getting on a waitlist, coming back for therapy. She also gave me some information that I wrote down but have already forgotten. The paperwork sits beside me as I type this, too hard to comprehend.  I had to cancel my follow up appointment. Have received email from them asking if I want to stay in their books.  I am paralysed by indecision and brain blanks.

2025

 A funny thing happened to me on the way to my blog... 

Oh wait sorry this was years ago! Wow, what happened? Um, lots? 

But you know how I was sad but not depressed enough to be depressed? I felt like a phony starting up this blog, though I knew something wasn't right.  

Then - funny story - turns out I might just be autistic or at the very least have ADHD. 

This would account for lots of my issues, the severe rejection phobias, feeling like I'm faking my way through life, not understanding people, being exhausted after the slightest bit of socialisation, not expressing emotion and being really, really ridiculously so weird.. but also how I neglected this blog. I never forgot about it.. I just.. couldn't? 

It was there on my to-do list. I would mentally write posts. I would log in and stare at my blank page. I couldn't start? I didn't think I was capable of doing it right. I didn't think I was doing anything right.  

This spread to my - I guess you could call it my hyper-focus page blog. I couldn't muster the.. mojo or anything I needed to do something with it. I had a child and less time to do my hobbies and I blamed that. But then.. when I stopped and thought about it, this happened well, well, WAY before the birth. 

2016

So a lot has happened since the last post. Going from what the doctor diagnosed me with - an under active thyroid mimicking depression - I just went on the medication for that and hoped that would cure it.

Well, I was wrong. Hopefully it's helping my thyroid issues - it's really hard to tell sometimes - but it hasn't done shit about the underlying issues I was concerned about in the first place. Again, I worked up the courage to go the the doctor about it.

I asked for a different doctor - one I was familiar with but don't often see. I went in prepared - I had a story written out of why I feel the way I do and what concerns I had. As with any consultation - they ask what's wrong, how can they help and - I do my best to read the notes I have but I'm shaking slightly, my voice isn't strong, I want to hurl the contents of my stomach into the nearest receptacle that will have it, I can't make eye contact and more importantly.. I don't know if I'm getting my point - or the urgency of it - across like I should.

The Consultation

I made an appointment with my GP. Over the last few years I haven't been to see her as my workload and hours made it too hard to get and keep appointments, so I'd been going to a walk in clinic which is fine for small health complaints but I felt like I needed someone who I knew and who'd looked after my family for a while.

So I went through my list of concerns with her and she listened to me. Instead of just throwing a prescription at me she asked if I was happy with medication or would I prefer something else. I told her I'd prefer not to be on medication - after all I'd done well so far - plus there's the stigma of it and the additional cost. Still, I'm not the kind to open up to people and the thought of therapy scares me.

I had other concerns, and after hearing me out, the doctor recommended that I have a blood test to determine if my serotonin levels were low and to test if I might have a thyroid disorder or something similar as sometimes these things can mimic depression and generally exacerbate things. However she did say that what I had told her held concerns for me.

So I had the test done on the weekend and will now have to make the follow up appointment to get the results and find out the truth. I have to say, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would have been, you know to open up to someone about it. I think I definitely made the right choice of doctor to see and that made all the difference.

My partner had a chronic mystery illness for about two years and after seeing many doctors at different clinics, we had no luck in finding a cure or even a diagnosis and we came face to face with many disbelieving faces and knowing looks. I imagine it could appear that we were just after drugs, but at the time nothing but antibiotics provided any relief. Turns out it was actually a pretty simple and weird diagnosis that is being effectively treated now but it took a lot of searching to find a doctor who gave a shit.

The one we found referred my partner to different specialists for other kinds of scans, suggested options and actually looked into my partner's history and said to us 'Oh, you know I can see this has been going on for a while, let me see what I can do!' Magic words.

Greetings and Salutations

Hey there,

My name is Sparky and this is my online cry for help.

I've always been the weird one, the quiet one with strange ways and means but I've never minded too much. Sure, it's hard some times but what can you do? Well, in my case I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to do something about it.

In many ways I feel like a dick for wanting to complain about how depressed I feel. Like it seems like I'm not appreciative of my family, friends and of all the good things I have in my life. Like I'm trying to make my problems bigger than everyone else's. Like I want to be sad.

But I don't want to be sad, and I don't want anyone to feel like I don't give a shit anymore. All my life I've felt alienated and alone with the viewpoint that I'm watching my life through someone else's eyes. I see that I'm not making the relationships that I should be, I see that I hold myself in both an extremely low and ridiculously high regard, that I'm obsessed with repetitive thoughts and actions and that I regularly don't show emotions.

The worst part about this is that I'M SO DAMN GOOD AT HIDING IT! I CANNOT just 'ask' for help! I fake emotions like a real life Dexter but lately cracks have been showing and I'm afraid that people have seen me for what I really am - a hollow shell - and though I want them to leave me alone.. I really just want to be liked and I truly fear rejection.

If that's the case.. then why do I keep acting like I don't give a shit about anyone else? Lately I was in a disgustingly hostile workplace with a bullying manager who treated me like dirt when I just wanted to keep my head down and do my work. He said I was a liar, and sneaky and full of shit.
I do lie on a regular basis. Most commonly to the question 'How are you doing?' or 'Are you okay?'
This guy was a real dodgy one - he didn't care for any of our customers, he would constantly mock them and make fun of their income, looks, alleged drug habits/prostitution and how they're all liars. Everyone is a liar, except him.

Apparently. It doesn't matter. In his eyes, I'm the problem. Thanks to those beady viewpoints, the other management, co workers and owners see me as the problem. And as much as I want to defend myself, I feel that maybe I am the problem, even when I'm trying not to be. Will my life always be like this?

Hanging around belittling jerks that make me want to stab them in a dark alley? Pretending to care what people around me are talking about? Making it look like I'm so well adjusted that I could pursue an acting career? Coming home exhausted from any slight social outing? Wanting to stay at home where it's safe? Being afraid of people both understanding and misunderstanding me?

I can't do it any more. What if I have a child and they turn out like me? It's no way to live. So, with things worse than usual, I reached out to a online chat with a depression services group. They didn't really offer too much personalised information - mostly just text book stuff but it was still helpful to know that someone was listening. They recommended that I seek doctorey help.

The thought is daunting. I rarely let people in my shields, how can I let a complete stranger in yet alone pour out all my dark secrets to them? It just feels like giving them all the power, and leaving me weaker for it. Still, I want to be like everyone else. I don't want to have to water down my true personality because it might make people want to reject me. I need to be myself and stop hiding behind walls.

I am going to the quacks about the cracks.