2025

 A funny thing happened to me on the way to my blog... 

Oh wait sorry this was years ago! Wow, what happened? Um, lots? 

But you know how I was sad but not depressed enough to be depressed? I felt like a phony starting up this blog, though I knew something wasn't right.  

Then - funny story - turns out I might just be autistic or at the very least have ADHD. 

This would account for lots of my issues, the severe rejection phobias, feeling like I'm faking my way through life, not understanding people, being exhausted after the slightest bit of socialisation, not expressing emotion and being really, really ridiculously so weird.. but also how I neglected this blog. I never forgot about it.. I just.. couldn't? 

It was there on my to-do list. I would mentally write posts. I would log in and stare at my blank page. I couldn't start? I didn't think I was capable of doing it right. I didn't think I was doing anything right.  

This spread to my - I guess you could call it my hyper-focus page blog. I couldn't muster the.. mojo or anything I needed to do something with it. I had a child and less time to do my hobbies and I blamed that. But then.. when I stopped and thought about it, this happened well, well, WAY before the birth. 

2016

So a lot has happened since the last post. Going from what the doctor diagnosed me with - an under active thyroid mimicking depression - I just went on the medication for that and hoped that would cure it.

Well, I was wrong. Hopefully it's helping my thyroid issues - it's really hard to tell sometimes - but it hasn't done shit about the underlying issues I was concerned about in the first place. Again, I worked up the courage to go the the doctor about it.

I asked for a different doctor - one I was familiar with but don't often see. I went in prepared - I had a story written out of why I feel the way I do and what concerns I had. As with any consultation - they ask what's wrong, how can they help and - I do my best to read the notes I have but I'm shaking slightly, my voice isn't strong, I want to hurl the contents of my stomach into the nearest receptacle that will have it, I can't make eye contact and more importantly.. I don't know if I'm getting my point - or the urgency of it - across like I should.