2025

 A funny thing happened to me on the way to my blog... 

Oh wait sorry this was years ago! Wow, what happened? Um, lots? 

But you know how I was sad but not depressed enough to be depressed? I felt like a phony starting up this blog, though I knew something wasn't right.  

Then - funny story - turns out I might just be autistic or at the very least have ADHD. 

This would account for lots of my issues, the severe rejection phobias, feeling like I'm faking my way through life, not understanding people, being exhausted after the slightest bit of socialisation, not expressing emotion and being really, really ridiculously so weird.. but also how I neglected this blog. I never forgot about it.. I just.. couldn't? 

It was there on my to-do list. I would mentally write posts. I would log in and stare at my blank page. I couldn't start? I didn't think I was capable of doing it right. I didn't think I was doing anything right.  

This spread to my - I guess you could call it my hyper-focus page blog. I couldn't muster the.. mojo or anything I needed to do something with it. I had a child and less time to do my hobbies and I blamed that. But then.. when I stopped and thought about it, this happened well, well, WAY before the birth. 

After the birth, well that was a new hyper-focus situation. A wedge grew between my husband and I when he didn't get my intensity about it. Lack of sleep for him also didn't help. I would be able to distern the slightest most faintest change in their breathing and would be leaping to get them before they vomited. My husband wouldn't hear anything. He also doesn't hear the loud lamp he has on his table.  

I would maniacally attend to the child's every whim.. then when they were sated or asleep I would just.. stop? 

There still wasn't me time.  I just didn't know what to do. They say sleep when the baby sleeps but I was never a good sleeper anyway. I just stopped existing even though I would sit there "at rest" my mind seemed, louder. More invasive than usual. Racing. I had so much to do.. but I couldn't do it and neither could I rest. 

Many of my mum friends felt the same so I thought it was normal. Part of being a mum. 

When I went back to work after a year it was like I'd never worked in my life. I couldn't focus. Again my mum friends felt the same.  I thought it was normal. Part of being a mum. 

The lack of focus didn't change though and after a couple of years I started getting called out for it. Whether it was my boss kindly asking why I'd been in a personal break code for twenty minutes or checking why I was late to work yet again. Or the subversive snarkiness from a colleague (that I didn't pick up until later) where they complained to me about team mates not picking up their slack, where they mocked me for obsessively writing my schedule in a physical diary and several other underhanded comments. 

Oh there was always a reason. The daycare drop off made me late! The traffic was terrible! I had less calls because of the intense nature of the ones I did take. There were computer issues. 

The next boss compiled a spreadsheet where they'd been tracking me. It was confronting and I bawled my eyes out in the meeting room before they even said much. I'd let everyone down, I can't do anything right and everyone hates me. I've been found out as a fake person and everyone will despise me for my failures.

But.. this tracking didn't come from a place of unkindness. They wanted to find out what was going wrong and if I needed support. They suggested I might be neurodivergent. They'd noticed me keeping to my own little world and working better if I had at least one headphone in of my own music.  

All these things pointed out to me, my excuses not holding any water.. 

I introspected. I remembered how much I'd struggled before. 

The jobs where I knew exactly what to do - I was fine. Working at the theme parks as a team player in several areas - that was fine.  

The jobs where I had vague direction  - I struggled. Always waiting to be 'found out ' as the imposter but too afraid to ask for help. 

Jobs that required my own time management  - even dinky little fast food managerial roles were hard because I was never on time to leave, even if I started pack down/close early or on time. I'd always miss something. I couldn't mesh with most of the crew because I didn't understand them. The inevitable confrontations with customers were hard. I even had one job bring in a manager from another store to shadow me and assist with the morning open. They did everything I did.. but they weren't stressed. And it was done all on time. It was so simple! I couldn't understand why it didn't work for me. 

I opened up to a friend and I'm glad I did. She told me that what I explained to her was everything she felt too. She'd recently had her eldest son evaluated for autism and the assessor did a quick test on her, and found that she was more than likely on the spectrum too. 

He was easy though, kid had memorised Minecraft lore since he was like 3 and would spit out space facts casually over a playdate. He was loud and fast.

Me as a child - well I was just quiet, imaginative. Liked to play alone. Had to quarantine myself whenever my parents watched 'Home and Away' because the theme song was like someone shoving red hot ants in my eardrums. I didn't sleep. I read books way above my age range. Frequently got distracted and wandered off during school excursions. Still can't do much math. Constantly zoned out during homework. Always late to school. Guaranteed to say the wrong thing and alienate people or upset them. Never understood sports. Eyc etc. 

I swore to do something about it after that meeting. 

Then a few years passed. Which is very on brand for this I hear haha. 

I've been trying stims, learning about how to manage myself in stressful times, using music to my advantage, having timers and reminders everywhere...

This year though, I am getting myself assessed.